English translation:

drip
by drip
by
drip
the cracks of the road soaked by the rain

drop
by drop
by
drop
red blood colours the body of white

Pop
(open) the eyes that were veiled
fog & haze blown away
the blue skies beg & say

Pick
that roadside chalk
a favourite colour of yours
the number you were created for
carvings of your words
pieces of your ambitions
every dream and aspiration
and thus trace
a dot

dot
by dot
by
dot
till it becomes a line
no illusion or shadow to hide behind
clear, a reality
will you be able to cross its boundaries?

will you step, and erase
the border lines of reality?

You know that feeling you have when ideas are squashing in your brain, rolling about, stewing in the heat of your meta-thinking, images lucidly flashing before your eyes, and voices speaking the words you are endlessly writing in your head? You fear giving it life because once out there, it almost never is up to your expectations. In other words, you believe in the idea, but you don’t believe in yourself.

This little video may seem like just any small project anyone might do. But I knew, this exact small project was the chance to explain to myself what I needed to do. I needed to let go of the fear. The fear that I will never be good enough. Because I will never be. I will never be good enough for my own self. I will never be satisfied. Isn’t that the dilemma of all aspiring artists? Their outcome will never quite match their vision. So what does that mean? Should I let the vision dwell entirely in my head, knowing I will not risk disappointment? Or by doing exactly that, risk disappointment in myself for being such a coward to even try?

Sometimes, it may seem like I confidently hold my head high, when in fact, most of the time I feel tiny and invisible. Like, who am I kidding? My writing isn’t good enough, my drawings are chicken scratch compared to artists I admire, and who will ever like my ideas? But then again, if I try to trace back to the time I started drawing or writing, which I can’t even remember because I was so young, I never cared if anyone liked it. I just did my thing. I would steal my dad’s papers, bind them with staplers, and illustrate and write my own ‘book’. Ideas that I’m not entirely sure where they came from. I once wrote a little ‘storybook’ about a group of friends who are in a society that has magical peacocks as pets. I must have been about 8 years old. My sister and I used to make all sorts of books and comics. A few months later I would read them, and disgusted by the amateurishness, I chucked some of them in the bin.

Even when I was 13, I wrote some poems and songs in my little journal. When my 15 year old self read them again, I was so embarrassed with its childishness, I ripped the pages, soaked them in water, tore it up, microwaved it and flushed it down the toilet. Must have been quite awful. If only I’ve kept them till today, I could have at least laughed.

I’m sure I’m not the only one having these insecurities. I looked around me, and people, despite their flaws or insecurities, gave their craft a shot. Gave their ideas a chance.

Coming back to this little video, I had an idea, far bigger than the actual product. But I gave up before trying, because I felt I didn’t have the time. I just abandoned the idea. But it took me one swift moment of feeling like a complete loser for failing even to try, to gather myself, determined to at least finish it. A little animation project conceived in less than 24 hours? It took us around 12 hours to record, film, illustrate, mix, animate and render everything. I have to thank Zamri for willing to collaborate with me and teach me After Effects.

This short poetry/animation film thing is the dot. Titik. I know some of my friends make fun of me, but that’s only natural. Sometimes I get upset, other times I laugh with them. In the end, I am my harshest critic. I don’t feel disappointed with myself, because I tried. If I haven’t, I’d kick myself. This thingamagig, with its last-minute illustrations, amateur animation and funny narration, is that dot for me. Not a dot as in noktah, but a dot in a hopefully much bigger picture. I’m finding my place in the world, and hopefully I will have many chances to combine all of my passions into the work that I do. This new blog and website of mine, is also another dot.

You might have grand ideas, but don’t feel the pressure of realizing that great idea immediately. If you have a hard time starting, for the fear of everything or anything, just start something. Anything. Works just as well if you don’t have any ideas whatsoever. Just do something. Just a dot. To get you started. Then you follow those dots up with more dots, eventually forming a line. Then you know where it goes from there

Cross your own borders of reality. From mind, to pen, to paper, to life.

Titik demi titik hingga menjadi garisan, tanpa ilusi bayangan, jelas ternyata…
mampukah kau melangkah hujung garisnya?